Becoming a parent is one of the most transformative experiences in life. It’s a role filled with love, responsibility, and a deep desire to give your child the very best. But as you navigate the ups and downs of motherhood, there’s something else that quietly happens in the background: a shift in how you view your own childhood.
Suddenly, the way you respond to your child’s needs can bring up memories of how your needs were met—or weren’t.
The way you comfort them, discipline them, or even celebrate their achievements can leave you wondering about the ways you were parented. And, sometimes, it can be deeply emotional.
When you become a mum, your child becomes a mirror, not just reflecting their own joy, frustration, and curiosity, but also reflecting parts of yourself you may not have explored before.
You might find yourself asking questions like:
• Why do I respond so quickly to their tears? Was I comforted this way as a child?
• Why does disciplining them feel so uncomfortable? Was discipline in my childhood harsh or absent?
• Why do I struggle to take time for myself without feeling guilty? Was self-care modelled for me growing up?
For me, this reflection became even more intense when my son needed multiple surgeries. Seeing him so vulnerable and in need of comfort brought up so many memories of my own childhood. It made me question how my own pain and needs were handled back then, and how that has shaped the way I parent now. It’s an emotional journey that many mums go through, especially when faced with such challenging moments.
These questions are natural, and they’re part of the growth that comes with being a parent. They’re also part of a healing process for many mums, especially those who may have experienced neglect, emotional distance, or trauma in their own upbringing.
Breaking Generational Patterns
One of the most powerful aspects of motherhood is the opportunity to break generational cycles. You may notice patterns you don’t want to repeat, perhaps you want to be more emotionally available, more patient, or more encouraging than your parents were able to be.
For some, this can feel empowering: “I get to give my child what I didn’t have.” But for others, it can bring up grief, anger, or confusion about why their own needs weren’t met in the same way. It’s important to acknowledge that these feelings don’t make you a bad parent—they’re part of your healing and growth.
When Guilt Creeps In
As mums, we often hold ourselves to impossibly high standards.
You might feel guilty for the way you responded in a moment of stress, or you might worry that you’re not doing enough. But what if the very fact that you’re questioning your parenting choices shows that you’re doing more than enough?
Being a good mum doesn’t mean being perfect. It means showing up, reflecting, and trying again when things don’t go as planned. It also means forgiving yourself for the moments when you fall short and reminding yourself that you’re human, too.
Healing Through Parenting
Parenting isn’t just about nurturing your child, it’s also about re-parenting yourself. Every time you give your child the love, understanding, or comfort you may not have received, you’re also healing a part of your inner child.
For example:
• When you sit with your child during a tantrum instead of punishing them, you’re showing yourself that big emotions are okay.
• When you prioritise their emotional wellbeing, you’re giving yourself permission to value your own.
• When you set healthy boundaries, you’re teaching yourself that it’s okay to protect your energy and needs.
Each of these moments is an opportunity for growth—for both you and your child.
Finding Support
If reflecting on your childhood feels overwhelming, or if you find yourself stuck in patterns you don’t know how to change, seeking support can make all the difference. Counselling offers a safe space to explore how your past is influencing your parenting today and to find ways to heal while building the future you want for your family.
Motherhood doesn’t come with a manual, but you don’t have to figure it all out alone. By showing up for your child and for yourself, you’re already doing an incredible job.
You’re Not Alone
Remember, the fact that you’re even questioning these things shows how much you care. You’re not just parenting—you’re breaking cycles, rewriting your story, and creating a new legacy for your child. That’s something to be proud of.
Take it one step at a time, and don’t forget to give yourself the same compassion you so freely give to your child. You’re not just raising them—you’re raising yourself, too.